WISHES

I WISH YOU SUNSHINE THROUGH THE RAIN
I WISH YOU STRENGTH THROUGH YOUR PAIN
I WISH YOU ENDURANCE WHEN YOUR SPIRITS ARE LOW
I WISH YOU FRIENDSHIP WHEN YOU FEEL ALONE
I WISH YOU CALM WATERS AFTER THE STORMS

I WISH YOU SELFLESSNESS TO GIVE OTHER'S A HELPING HAND
MAY YOU SEE THAT LIFE IS A GIFT
MAY YOUR SELF AWARENESS ABOUND
I WISH YOU BEAUTY  AND EASE
I  WISH YOU FREEDOM FROM ALL SELF DOUBT

LIFE IS TO BE CELEBRATED...
GRATITUDE IS THE PATH
SO SING AND DANCE, LET THE MUSIC PLAY, REJOICE!
GIVE YOUR TIME ON EARTH A PURPOSE,  A VOICE

I WISH YOU A RADIANT AND GIVING HEART
I WISH  YOU A KIND SPIRIT THAT SOARS
I WISH YOU LAUGHTER AND SMILES
IN WISH YOU EYES TO SEE BEAUTY IN OTHERS AND YOURSELF
ABOVE ALL ELSE, I WISH YOU LOVE

LOVE IS GIVEN FREELY
BUT WE MUST ALL EARN TO KEEP
I WISH YOU GRACE
AND THE GLOW IN A CHILD'S FACE

THE ANGELS ARE WATCHING YOU

CLOSE  YOUR EYES,  MY BABY

CLOSE YOUR EYES,  MY SWEET

THE SUN WILL WAIT  'TIL YOU AWAKE

THE ANGELS ARE GUARDING YOU

THE SUN WILL WAIT 'TIL YOU AWAKE

THE ANGELS ARE GUARDING YOU

CLOSE YOUR EYES,  MY BABY

CLOSE YOUR EYES,  MY SWEET

THE ANGELS ARE SMILING  TOO 

THE STARS ARE SHINNING

THE ANGELS ARE SIGHING TOO

THE ANGELS ARE SIGHING

CLOSE YOUR EYES,   MY BABY

CLOSE YOUR EYES,  MY PETE!

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SLEEP

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SLEEP

THE SUN WILL WAIT 'TIL YOU AWAKE

THE SUN WILL  WAIT  FOR YOU

THE SUN WILL WAIT 'TIL YOU AWAKE

THE SUN WILL WAIT FOR YOU

CLOSE YOUR EYES, MY BABY
CLOSE YOUR EYES, MY SWEET
CLOSE YOUR EYES, MY BABY
CLOSE YOUR EYES, MY PETE...

CHERISH THE NOW

THE NOW IS ALL WE HAVE
YESTERDAY WAS YESTERDAY'S DREAM
AND TOMORROW IS HOLLOWED GROUND
ONLY TODAY'S LOVE COUNTS

MAY I LOVE YOU FOR THIS MOMENT?
FOR THIS MOMENT CAN YOU BE MINE?
FOR THIS MOMENT
I CAN PROMISE, IT WILL BE THE BEST OF TIMES

LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE PAST
LET'S FORGET WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
HOLD ME CLOSE AND THIS WILL BE OUR CHERISHED NOW
PERHAPS, AS SWEET AS IT HAS EVER BEEN.

WHAT HAS BEEN, HAS BEEN
WHAT WILL COME TOMORROW ONLY A FOOL WILL TELL
TODAY  AND TODAY'S EMBRACE
FOR TODAY LET ME CARESS YOUR FACE

FEELING IS THE LIVING PASSION
TODAY AND TODAY'S KISSES AND GENTLE TOUCH
IS THE TODAY WE MUST HAVE
ENDURING LOVE IS WHAT WE ALL LONG FOR SO MUCH

SO LET TODAY BE THE MOMENT
ENGRAVED IN OUR HEARTS
LE T TODAY BE THE MOMENT
WE CHERISHED THE NOW...


..

REBIRTH FROM THE ASHES

MY TEARS HAVE SUBSIDED
YET, I AM LEFT WITH THE PAIN
I HEAR MYSELF LAUGHING
YET,  ONLY HEAR MY MOURNFUL CRY
I AM LIVING, BUT SLOWLY DYING INSIDE


DARLIN', I CAN'T FORGET YOU'RE GONE
I AM SURROUNDED BY FAMILY AND FRIENDS
I HEAR THEIR VOICES AND LAUGHTER
IT SHOULD BE AS MUSIC TO MY EARS
YET, IT ONLY BRINGS ME EMPTINESS AND TEARS


LIFE IS JUST NOT THE SAME, YOU ARE NOT HERE
WHEN WILL IT LEAVE ME, THIS UNBEARABLE PAIN?
MUST EVERY DAY OF SUNSHINE
BE ANOTHER  DAY OF ENDLESS, DEAFENING RAIN?


MY TEARS HAVE SUBSIDED
YET, I AM LEFT WITH THE PAIN
I AM SLOWLY CRAWLING OUT OF THE VALLEY OF DARKNESS
MY TEARS ARE SUBSIDING
YET, I AM LEFT WITH THE VOID


FROM THE ASHES I MUST GIVE BIRTH TO JOY
FROM THE ASHES I MUST GIVE MY LIFE NEW MEANING
I NOW AWAKEN WITH ONLY ONE PURPOSE
TO LIVE  WITH AN ABUNDANT HEART
FOR IT IS ONLY THEN I CAN GIVE YOUR MEMORY A VOICE


FROM THE ASHES I SAW THE LIGHT
THE TEARS WERE MY SALVATION
I WALKED THROUGH THE STORM
AND GAIN, I KNOW, LOVE IS SUBLIME!


REBIRTH FROM THE ASHES
AGAIN, I REJOICE!
IT TOOK A LONG , LONG TIME
BUT NOW I KNOW...YOU HAVE NEVER LEFT ME
AND NOW I KNOW, YOU NEVER WILL...

YOU WERE; YOU ARE STILL  MINE!

LOVE FOR THE MOMENT

ONCE I WAS ASKED BY MY SON, PETER , LIKE A LOT OF CHILDREN MUST HAVE ASKED OTHER PARENTS, WHICH ONE OF US DID I LOVE THE MOST. I THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A FEW MOMENTS WANTING TO GIVE A GOOD ANSWER AND AN HONEST ONE.

"WELL, SON, I GUESS IT IS THE ONE THAT IS WITH ME AT THE MOMENT BECAUSE HE NEEDS ME AND WANTS ANSWERS FROM ME; ANSWERS ONLY I CAN GIVE YOU. BUT WHEN I HAVE ANOTHER BROTHER OR SISTER IN FRONT OF ME TALKING AND SHARING; IT IS THAT ONE". HE UNDERSTOOD AND WAS SATISFIED. HE SMILED, KNOWING THAT AT THAT MOMENT I LOVED HIM THE MOST .
HE SCURRIED OUT TO PLAY, SMILING AS HE ALWAYS DID. IT WAS THE BEST ANSWER I COULD GIVE. AND OVER THE YEARS I HAVE FOUND OUT THAT WITH FRIENDS OR LOVERS, THE SAME HOLDS TRUE. WE LOVE THOSE WHO ARE WITH US AT THAT MOMENT; OTHERS CERTAINLY DISAGREE, BUT I DO NOT THINK HUMAN BEINGS ARE CAPABLE OF MORE. IF WE GIVE ONE OUR FULL ATTENTION WE REALLY CAN LOVE FOR THAT PRESENT MOMENT...NOW WHEN A MOTHER , LIKE MYSELF, THAT WAS LUCKY  TO HAVE SIX CHILDREN AND WE GATHER FOR OUR FAMILY OUTINGS, I JUST GLOW; IT CAN BE OVERWHELMING AND I OFTEN GO TO ANOTHER ROOM WHERE I CAN BE ALONE AND I HAVE A SIMPLE PRAYER: "THANK YOU GOD, FOR THIS MOMENT"

The Madonna in My Life

I remember her white nightgown, the typical campo style worn in Mexico, her long flowing black  hair on both sides of her face. I was in awe of this Mexican beauty, my beautiful mother, Alexandria. Everything was white in her room, the light was brilliant almost  as if there were an aura around her. She was lovingly holding a baby. Later I learned he was my brother, little Andrew. She smiled and stroked his his head gently and with the back of her hand she touched his face. It was surreal, magical and confusing.
I felt like an intruder, maybe that was the word, I don't know for sure; I was just a little girl. I thought she looked like a Madonna, holding the Christ child. I remember those images from church. She looked so sad.
It frightened me to see her cry, tears falling down her face and she sobbed quietly and held the baby tight to her chest.  I had never seen mother cry before.I felt frozen;I wanted to help my mother, but I could not. I prayed she would not see me.This was a grown up thing. I did not understand. But I just wanted her to smile again.
 I had witnessed a sacred moment; Andrew died a few days later...

MY NAME IS FRED / LYRICS

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GIRL, I HEARD FATHER SAY
CHASE BUTTERFLIES AND PLAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS
REMEMBER THE ROSES IN OUR BACK YARD
'CAUSE THE COSMOS, THE COSMOS, STILL WILL BE THERE

LET THE MEN FLY, FLY HIGH
LET THE MEN HUNT AND GO TO WAR
LET THE MEN SEARCH FOR RICHES AND FAME
YOU, MY DAUGHTER, JUST HONOR OUR NAME!

FOLLOW THE RAINBOWS WHERE EVER YOU GO
FOLLOW THE RAINBOWS WHERE EVER YOU GO
AND YOU'LL ALWAYS, YOU'LL ALWAYS,  BE RIGHT AT HOME
'CAUSE THE COSMOS, THE COSMOS, STILL WILL BE THERE

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, WHERE EVER YOU GO
DAUGHTER, MY DARLIN', DON'T FORGET WHAT I'VE SAID
I AM YOUR FATHER, YOUR DADDY, YOUR DAD
MY NAME IS FRED

DON'T  FORGET ME
AND THE THINGS I HAVE SAID
I AM YOUR FATHER, I AM YOUR FRIEND
AND I'VE LOVED YOU
MY NAME IS FRED!

YOU KEEP ON SINGING AND WRITING YOUR SONGS
JUST REMEMBER TO HONOR HIS NAME!
JUST REMEMBER TO HONOR HIS NAME!
'CAUSE THE COSMOS, THE COSMOS, STILL WILL BE THERE!

NEVER FORGET ME AND THE THINGS THAT I'VE SAID
I AM YOUR FATHER, MY NAME IS FRED
I AM YOUR FATHER, MY NAME IS FRED!

Dear John, My Soldier John/ lyrcs

DEAR JOHN, DEAR JOHN,  MY SOLDIER JOHN
WILL YOU BE THERE WAITING FOR ME
AS YOU PROMISED ME?
WILL YOU BE THERE  BENT ON YOUR KNEES
AS YOU PROMISED ME?

WILL YOU BE THERE TO GENTLY CLOSE MY EYES
WILL YOU BE THERE TO HOLD MY HAND
AS YOU DID BACK THEN,
AS YOU DID FOR YOUR MEN?
WILL YOU SHED A TEAR FOR ME?

WILL YOU BE THERE AS YOU PROMISED ME?
WILL YOU BE THERE , AS YOU DID THEN
AS YOU DID IN FOREIGN LANDS?
AS YOU DID IN VIET NAM?

DEAR JOHN, DEAR JOHN, MY SOLDIER JOHN
WILL YOU BE THERE WAITING FOR ME?
AS YOU PROMISED ME?
WILL YOU GIVE ME MY LAST FAREWELL?
WILL YOU GENTLY CLOSE MY EYES?

WILL YOU BE THERE HOLDING MY HAND
WILL YOU SMILE ONCE MORE FOR ME?
AND WALK ME TO THE PROMISED LAND?
AND WALK ME TO THE PROMISED LAND...?

I Am Home Again / I Am Found!

In the early mornings, with a cup of coffee in hand, I write. I suspect that loving life is my greatest asset. It has not always been so. Many years after losing a very wonderful and amazing son, Peter. He died saving his friend.  All our lives changed that afternoon... I was so much in the state of pure hate and confusion. I felt I had played by the rules, tried my best to raise thoughtful and caring children and become the best wife possible, then Peter dies so unexpectedly. He has been the rock and my foundation to my present and liberating faith.
 The time finally came when I realized that my family could not heal, unless I healed. They could not accept our horrible reality if  I did not, especially my husband. He had witnessed the worst in humanity and the most honorable acts of love and courage in his career as a soldier. But the sudden death of his son was more than he could bear. After I seemed to get stronger, he fell into the darkest time, seldom speaking to anyone for almost two agonizing years. He seemed devoid of any feeling. I struggled and endured. I felt  I  was holding us all back: the thought came to mind that if God was good enough for my dear parents, well, He was more than good enough for me! Then one amazing day I fell to the ground and pleaded to God to forgive me. And it was like other's have written, I felt bathed in warmth and sunlight. I felt forgiven and I was home again. I soon saw that all the times I was hating God, I was thinking more of Him than during my  years of complete adoration and acceptance of  my Catholic faith, the faith of my family and my youth.  I was again at home with the Christ child, home to walk in His light. My children are still on their own path, still denying God. I pray and wait. Greater still is my personal belief that God will touch them and also welcome them home.
Life of the unbeliever is fine for them. It is where they are comfortable. But I no longer reach for the easy way out. I know, now, that only through my own agony that I have been welcomed to His embracing and forgiving arms. They, for the most part , are lost in their own intellect, in their thirst for understanding, and they are content with their own conclusions. They choose their own way through the maze of their own thoughts. But thoughts change, growth and enlightenment eventually  takes over. I have great hope. They too will find themselves on their knees. We are too frail and they rely on our human frailty to give them strength.  They read and study and work their way through life and life's events. Besides, they are too busy for life's secrets, too busy to notice God's whispers, God's healing  touch.  Someday,  they too will walk with Him and experience the Omnipresence. For it is God's plan that all children come back to Him.  He is Patience beyond comprehension . I could not have been more in denial . My mind could not have been more rigid and closed.  I could not have been more lost, but now I am found!

ANGEL OF MERCY

ANGEL OF MERCY, HAVE MERCY ON US
ANGEL OF MERCY, HAVE MERCY ON ME
ANGEL OF MERCY SET US FREE

ANGEL OF MERCY, REMIND ME THAT FORGIVING IS DIVINE
ANGEL OF MERCY, BLESS ME AND MINE
ANGEL OF MERCY, PROTECT AND GUIDE MY FRIENDS , MY FAMILY

REMIND US THAT LOVE IS GIVEN FREELY
YET, STILL  MUST BE EARNED TO KEEP
GRANT FORGIVENESS AND MERCY IN OUR HEARTS
ANGEL OF MERCY, SET US FREE

MAY WE ALL   BECOME WORTHY OF THEE
THE ONLY PERFECT LOVE WHICH EXISTS
WHICH IS YOURS TO GIVE
FOR PERFECTION IS ONLY THINE!

ANGEL OF MERCY, BLESS OUR GATHERINGS
BLESS OUR FRIENDS AT OUR TABLE
OUR LOVED ONES WHOM HAVE PASSED
FOR IN SPIRIT AND WITH OUR LOVE
THEIR PRESENCE LASTS...

ANGEL OF MERCY, BLESS THIS BREAD
ANGEL OF MERCY, BLESS THIS MEAL
REMIND US THAT IN CALLING YOUR NAME
THIS BECOMES OUR TIME SHARED, OUR SACRED TIME
OUR JOYOUS CELEBRATION OF LIFE
 WE COME TO REJOICE AND TO HEAL...

"BLESSED IS HE, WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD"
ANGEL OF MERCY, YOUR BLESSING IS OUR REWARD...
IN THE STILL OF OUR MINDS WE LOVE
WITH  PEACE IN OUR HEARTS WE REJOICE
ANGEL OF MERCY, MAY WE ALWAYS BE BOUND TO THEE!

Everywhere I go, I'm Remembering You

                     EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M REMEMBERING YOU

EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M REMEMBERING YOU
EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M REMEMBERING YOU
I TURN AROUND, KNOWING YOU WON'T BE THERE
I TURN AROUND, KNOWING YOU WON'T BE THERE
STILL, I TURN AROUND , I TURN AROUND HOPING TO FIND A GLIMPSE OF YOU

EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M REMEMBERING HOW IT USED TO BE...
WHEN YOU WERE YOU AND YOU AND I WERE WE
EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M REMEMBERING HOW IT USED TO BE...
WHEN YOU WERE YOU AND YOU AND I WERE WE

EVERYWHERE I GO, I TURN AROUND HOPING TO FIND A GLIMPSE OF YOU
I TURN AROUND KNOWING YOU WON'T BE THERE
I TURN AROUND KNOWING YOU WON'T BE THERE
STILL, I TURN AROUND , I TURN ROUND, KNOWING YOU WON'T BE THERE
EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M REMEMBERING YOU
EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M REMEMBERING YOU

EVERYWHERE I GO, I STILL FEEL LOVED BY YOU
EVERYWHERE I GO, I STILL FEEL LOVED BY YOU
EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU
EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU!

EVERYWHERE I GO, I M REMEMBERING YOU
EVERYWHERE I GO, I'M REMEMBERING HOW IT USED TO BE...
WHEN YOU WERE YOU AND YOU AND I WERE WE
WHEN YOU WERE YOU AND YOU AND I WERE WE
WHEN YOU WERE YOU AND YOU AND I WERE WE!

MY NAME IS FRED

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GIRL
I HEARD FATHER SAY
CHASE BUTTERFLIES AND PLAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS
REMEMBER, THE ROSES IN OUR BACK YARD
YOU, MY DAUGHTER, JUST KEEP SINGING YOUR SONGS

LET THE MEN FLY, FLY HIGH
LET THE MEN SEARCH FOR RICHES AND FAME
YOU, MY DAUGHTER, JUST HONOR OUR NAME
CAUSE THE COSMOS, THE COSMOS
STILL WILL BE THERE

FOLLOW THE RAINBOWS WHERE EVER IT GOES
AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT AT HOME
YOU, MY DAUGHTER, JUST HONOR HIS NAME
CAUSE THE COSMOS, THE COSMOS
STILL WILL BE THERE

YOU KEEP ON SINGING
AND PLAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS
REMEMBER THE ROSES IN OUR BACK YARD
LET THE MEN, FLY, FLY HIGH

REMEMBER ALL THAT I'VE SAID
NEVER FORGET WHAT I TRIED TO TEACH
i AM YOUR FATHER, YOUR PAPI
I AM YOUR DADDY, YOUR PAPA
MY NAME IS FRED...

OUR TOMORROWS

I MIGHT SEE YOU A DAY PAST  TOMORROW
DON'T ASK FOR ANY TOMORROWS
THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES...
TOMORROW WILL MEAN I AM NO LONGER HERE
TOMORROW WOULD BE TOO SOON


AND DAY AFTER TOMORROW, ALSO TOO SOON
IT WOULD ONLY BRING YOU EMPTINESS
WILL ONLY BRING YOU SADNESS AND TEARS
BETTER, YET, WAIT ,PERHAPS FOR  A YEAR
YOU CAN WAIT A YEAR, DARLIN'
CAN YOU WAIT FOR JUST ONE MORE YEAR?
I PROMISE I WILL RETURN
MY DALIN', I PROMISE I WILL RETURN...

I HAVE GONE, GONE TO WAR
I HAVE GONE TWICE BEFORE
THIS TIME I HAVE YOU TO COME HOME TO
THIS TIME I HAVE YOU...
SO YOU SEE,DARLIN', JUST KNOW
IF YOU WRITE, IF YOU WAIT
I'LL BE BACK, PERHAPS IN A YEAR
DARLIN, MY DARLIN', PLEASE
TELL ME YOU CAN WAIT FOR A YEAR
MAYBE TWO

I PROMISE, I WILL RETURN
FROM WAR
I WILL RETURN CAUSE OF YOU
I WILL RETURN CAUSE OF YOU!
I'LL RETURN CAUSE NOW IN MY LIFE THERE IS YOU...
IN ALL MY TOMORROWS, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE YOU
DARLIN', MY DARLIN', PLEASE TELL ME IT IS TRUE
PLEASE TELLME , IT WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE!

BLESSED WAS I/ BLESSED AM I

Blessed am I, for you were my father
Blessed am I, for you loved my mother
Blessed was I, for you gave me life
Blessed am I, for you taught me to look
To the stars...
In your gentleness, you told me all  the answers
To life's questions would be found there
If I studied, if I challenged, if I dared
All the science, the cosmos,
The spirit  and God!
Blessed am I,  for you taught me a desire to learn
Greater still, you taught me to love ...
Blessed was I
Blessed  am I...

I Don't Claim to Understand , All That Makes A Man a Man

Lyrics
I DON'T CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND, WHAT MAKES A MAN,  A MAN
BUT LOVING YOU,  CAME EASY
I DON'T CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND, ALL THAT MAKES A MAN, A MAN
BUT LOVING YOU , CAME EASY...
I HAD TO LOVE YOU,  FROM THE FIRST DAY I MET YOU

I HAD TO LOVE YOU,  FROM THE FIRST DAY I MET YOU
IN THE WISDOM OF YOUR WORDS,  I HEARD MY FATHER
IN YOUR ZEST FOR LIFE,  I SAW MY BROTHER
IN YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF MY FLAWS,  I SAW MY MOTHER

I HAD TO LOVE YOU , FROM THE MOMENT I MET YOU
I HAD TO LOVE YOU, YOU MADE MY DREAMS COME TRUE
I HAD TO LOVE YOU, YOU BROUGHT SUNSHINE TO MY LIFE
I SEE IT IN OUR CHILDREN'S EYES
IN THEIR YOUTHFUL CONFIDENCE,  I SEE YOUR SMILE, I SEE YOUR STANCE
IN THEIR YOUTHFUL CONFIDENCE,  I FEEL YOUR LOVE, I FEEL YOUR STRENGTH!
I HAD TO LOVE YOU, YOU BROUGHT SUNSHINE TO MY LIFE!

WE HAD AN ORDINARY LIFE: A MOTHER, A SOLDIER'S BRIDE
WE HAD AN ORDINARY LIFE: A SOLDIER, A SOLDIER'S, LIFE
AND THE YEARS WE'VE BEEN APART
WITH AN ACHE IN MY HEART,  I'D LET YOU GO,
 I'D LET YOU GO, I'D LET YOU GO

I'D LET YOU GO, FOR LOVE,  HONOR AND PRIDE
I'D LET YOU GO FOR LOVE, COUNTRY AND PRIDE
OTHER SOLDIER'S WIVES STILL KNOW
THE PAIN OF LETTING GO, THEY LET THEM GO

THEY LET THEM GO, FOR LOVE, COUNTRY AND PRIDE
THEY LET THEM GO, FOR LOVE, COUNTRY AND PRIDE
THIS I KNOW, THIS I KNOW
I'VE BEEN A SOLDIER'S WIFE...
I'VE BEEN A SOLDIER'S WIFE

I HAD TO LOVE YOU, YOU FILLED MY HOME WITH PRIDE
I HAD TO LOVE YOU, YOU FILLED MY HEART WITH PRIDE!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT MAKES A MAN A MAN,
BUT LOVING YOU CAME EASY

DON'T KNOW WHAT MAKES A SOLDIER A MAN
BUT LOVING ONE, CAME EASY
BUT LOVING ONE , CAME EASY
I HAD TO LOVE YOU, FROM THE FIRST DAY I MET YOU
I HAD TO LOVE YOU, FROM THE FIRST DAY I MET YOU!

Unshared Futility/ Unshared Pain

IT SADDENED ME,
AFTER HIS DEATH, SADDENED ME MORE...

THIS GREAT, DEAR, HUSBAND OF MINE
DID NOT SHARE HIS GREATEST BURDENS
A SOLDIER, BY PROFESSION,
PROTECTING ME AND MINE
HIS ULTIMATE GOAL

AND ME, STILL NAIVE,  FOREVER OPTIMISTIC...
STILL,  ONLY THINKING  AND REMEMBERING OUR SHARED DREAMS
AND OF DREAMS AND PERSONAL GOALS
I , YET ,STILL  TO FULFILL
A STRUGGLE MADE MORE DIFFICULT BY HIS ABSENCE
RESIGNATION, MY ONLY BURDEN
KNOWING TOO WELL, THE ACHE OF ACCEPTANCE.
THE HEAVINESS IN MY HEART
THE BITTER SWEET PILL OF RESIGNATION

I NEVER REALLY KNEW ALL HIS BURDENS
HOW COULD I?
HE WOULD RETURN FROM WAR WITH A SIMPLE, "HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'M HOME!"
HE NEVER SHARED, NEVER SPOKE, NEVER GIVING ME ANY DETAILS
OF THE HORROR,  DEATH , DECIMATION, VIOLENCE
ALL THAT IS INHUMANE ENTAILS

WHY DID HE FEEL HE HAD ALWAYS TO SHIELD ME?
WHY DID HE NOT UNBURDEN ALL
WE HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR SO LONG, AFTER ALL
WAS THIS HIS WAY OF LOVING ME?

HE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT CHILDREN, ABOUT LIFE
CHILDREN HAD BEEN GOD'S GIFT TO ME,  MY LIFE!
BUT HE NEVER TALKED OF WAR
TO HIM, IT WAS ANOTHER LIFE
A LIFE THAT HAD BEEN HIS,  NOT MINE
BUT. LATER I FOUND OUT THAT HE TOO HAD TAKEN A CHILD'S LIFE
PERHAPS MORE
NOT DIRECTLY, BUT IN CARRYING OUT HIS DUTY
IN PROTECTING, GUIDING HIS MEN
IN GIVING ORDERS HE HAD TO GIVE
WITH RADIOS, COMMUNICATIONS
BY HELICOPTER..I CAN ONLY NOW GUESS

DID HE NOT TRUST ME TO FORGIVE?
DID HE NOT TRUST ME TO UNDERSTAND?
DID HE WORRY THAT I WOULD BE DEPRESSED?
I DID UNDERSTAND, THAT  WAR AND IN VIET  NAM
ONCE HOME...
HE WAS IMMOBILIZED
HE HID , IMMERSED IN HIS BOOKS, IN HIS THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
KNOWLEDGE HE LOVED TO IMPART
A TRUE, NATURAL TEACHER


FOR THE THINGS HE SAW, THE THINGS HE DID
AND FOR WHAT WAR HAD DONE TO HIM
TO HIS FRIENDS
THE DEATH OF OUR PERSONAL FRIENDS
AND TO ALL OUR SOLDIERS
ONLY TO THOSE SOLDIERS THAT HAD BEEN THERE WITH HIM
THOSE THAT SURVIVED, I WOULD HEAR THE ECHO
OF MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING
"WAR IS A BITCH!"
ALMOST IN SECRET, THEY AGREED
DRINKING COFFEE AT OUR KITCHEN TABLE
SMOKING AWAY. AS IF THE SMOKE WOULD CARRY THE MEMORIES AWAY...
 AND KNOWING THERE WAS NO MORE TO SAY

BUT IT IS THE BURDEN OF HIS OWN
STRENGTH
THE BURDEN OF HIS OWN SILENCE
THAT HE HAD TO ENDURE
MY SWEET, SWEET, "SARGE"... MY SOLDIER OF MINE
A MAN OF PEACE,  IN A WORLD AT WAR
"TO NO MAN, DO HARM", HE TRIED TO TEACH
AND EVEN IN THAT
HE FELL  SHORT; HE FELT HE HAD FAILED

OFTEN BEING TOO HARSH ON HIS SONS
A MAN DOES NOT APOLOGIZE. A MAN LEARNS
HE WOULD TELL ME
A WORLDLY  MAN, WHOSE WORLD WAS HIS CHILDREN
AND A WIFE WHO WAITED

HE DIED A HERO'S DEATH
HE DIED, QUIETLY,
HE DIED SWEETLY IN MY ARMS.
I STILL HAVE A VIVID MEMORY OF  HIS  TENDERNESS IN OUR LAST KISS
I STILL TASTE THE MOISTENED SWEETNESS OF HIS MOUTH

HE PUT DOWN THE LAST BOOK HE WAS CARRYING,
NO LASTING  WORDS OF LOVE.
THIS WAS NOT A GREAT PLAY OR ROMANCE BOOK
THIS HAD BEEN OUR LIFE
ME, ALWAYS REMEMBERING THE STRONG FLAVOR OF COFFEE ON HIS LIPS

HE CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A PRINCE
AND HE WAS WEARING A DAZZLING  WHILE UNIFORM,
HE HAD BEEN A MEDIC AT THE TIME
AND WE WERE MARRIED WITHIN 10 DAYS
I WAS SWEPT OFF MY FEET!

AND HE DIED LIKE A KING, IN MY ARMS
HE SIMPLY FOLDED  BACK INTO MY BODY
"JOHNNY, I CAN'T HOLD YOU. I CAN'T HOLD YOU,SWEETHEART!"
"DON'T LEAVE ME", I BEGGED
I HAD  NEVER CALLED HIM JOHNNY BEFORE
AND NO MATTER THAT I TOLD HIM ALMOST DAILY, THAT I LOVED HIM
I WISHED HE HAD HEARD IT FROM ME  ONE MORE TIME
AS IF HE WOULD HEAR IT FOR ALL ETERNITY
PERHAPS, PERHAPS...
IT IS WITH THAT HOPE, I LIVE

A friend once told me" Your husband was a man,  among men!";and ,yes, he was.
It is the soldier my children never really knew, for they came later in his life. But I will continue to write so that they too will understand , not only the father, but the man. My beautiful daughters and my sons are and have been my continued personal heroes. It is a very strange time and place in which to live,  to find that my own children have become, like their  father,heroes of mine.
                                                                                                          Zoila Masiak

The Sounds of Viet Nam

 The sounds of a helicopter, in peace time...as a soldier's wife, music to my ears. It  is different than during the war. There they come with only  loud, roaring sounds of the engine; and to a soldier inside, the whirl of the propeller, the hard slicing of the wind it creates. In Viet Nam, the sounds come with the swoosh of golden rice fields as you fly  too close to the earth, bullets with the horror of gun fire too close by, of soldiers  yelling, screaming. Thinking, is this a war cry? Who taught us this god awful sound, did we hear it in the movies, on TV?  Is this real? Am I the one screaming?
Soldiers are screaming in pain, some just strangely whimpering. There is no more horrific sound than a man wreathing in pain and the sound of his gasping last breath! The rockets are flying and only the experienced ones can judge the distance, know how much time they have to take cover, to throw their bodies to the ground, to cover their heads, often to realize they are being protected by the buddy now dying, shamefully using their now still, limp bodies for more protection.. No  time to think, no time for sympathy:. You lie to yourself, you convince yourself that you will help your  next buddy live; your next man you will help stay alive. You find yourself sobbing, but for whom or for what,  for gratitude that you are alive or the man next to you.? His gasping is too loud, the blood is too much! "Let him die quickly, Lord", is the only prayer you can muster. His is dying is too loud. I cover both ears hard. Hope that it will help, but it doesn't...
  I was only 18, what did I know, what do I understand of this alien world? I was trained, I relished in my accomplishment. I knew I was a good soldier; but this, why didn't the bastards prepare me for this?!They convinced me  I was the best of the best.Why was I not prepared for the last breath my buddies took?" I am just a kid!"I was not prepared for torn bodies, pieces of flesh...of babies crying in the distance.
How about the helplessness, the void, the sounds. I cover my ears, again and again. Let me out of here!I am no longer human.I don't smell like me. I don't breath like a human being. I have been reduced to this? For what? I don't feel peace. I don't know freedom. I am caged in the hard wire of my training and the sounds of Viet Nam. Only another soldier knows, we feel, we are angry, only we never speak of war...
I knew only one experienced soldier who understood. Only one man with whom I could share and even "Sarge" never had to kill another human being, "mano a mano", throw a grenade from a bridge, stab a soldier in his gut.Christ! This is an old man forced to wear the Vietnamese uniform.What have I done? This is the prize of saving my life?...I throw a grenade. It hits and the explosion follows, death follows. Is it three soldiers? Is it another old man forced to don a uniform? ... Is it just a man with his wife and child? The orders were given. Do not let anyone get through. "God let there not be a child too!" I threw my grenade , another hit. . Another  explosion follows. I only see floating pieces of wood and is it clothing? My brain feels hot.It is burning .I hate being a soldier!Fuck this war!What has the Army done to me? They did not tell me about this  fucking, damned shit! I am just a kid. I am just a kid! Father, I am sorry! Mother, help me...
But "Sarge" understood...he listened through the years. He let me talk; he let me cry. He let my voice quiver, holding back the pain.  He knew of men dying, of men crying ,of holding their hands, of kneeling besides them, closing their eyes, as a soldier breathed his last breath. "Sarge" would no longer cry as he knelt by another young man dying...Too many died , too many without a chance to say good by to their buddies, to see their families again.;the Chaplain giving the last rites, to the believer and the unbeliever, knowing they were , we are all children of God. He could still allow a man's tears to fall from his sorrowful, mournful eyes.Each death, another burden he would carry to the alter ...if he survived. They all knew the sounds of Viet Nam, the smell of rotting bodies.,blood in our hands, the heavy thick blood when it was our own. The indecent rapture realizing when it was not your blood.We are no longer human! I think to myself...I survived and I still hear the men screaming, the enemy attacking, still smell the smells. I don't want to remember, but I do.
I had been in a ditch faced down, another soldier pulling me out by the heel. I had been out,I don't know for how long. I remember falling out of the helicopter as it made a hard left turn. I heard  the sound of my body hitting the ground. I had fallen 50 feet. I had been wearing my radio equipment, all my gear... I remember the pain, thinking , my  body is broken! I was saved by my equipment and our men. But I never again felt free...
The Vietnamese soldiers were not my enemy...we were  fellow soldiers. And I had to kill them, had to hate them. I had to survive. Once their country did not have the sounds of war. It was peaceful; it was beautiful.Who knew of Agent Orange? Who knew how many children would die, how many orphaned in their rice fields? How many starved to death.?Once they were men tending the fields, freely struggling to take care of their families. I salute them , for once they were innocent  kids,once they were human too! Now we all have to heal. How many of them had a "Sarge" in their lives to help them come back to being a simple man?. Someday, I too will be able to say:" That was another lifetime.  Now I am home again, now I am whole again!"

America, Peace Calls to Thee!

America, peace calls to thee!
As the winds softly blow
The wind chimes call to me
When the birds sing
Their songs call to me

A majestic cardinal alights my trees
Virginia calls to me
I sense her waters beneath my feet
Virginia calls to me

In this crisp summer morn
For peace I  am more than grateful
All our fallen heroes I mourn
For all our injured, maimed, forgotten I cry

I hear America's thunderous jets fly by
I am by their power transformed, transfixed
I am by freedom's elegance renewed
Freedom calls to me

America, freedom takes its heavy toll
Here and in foreign lands
Someone traditionally, sadly takes roll call
For America will again and again takes her stand

We hear, we feel a forlorn bugle call
Courage must by all be worn
America will weather all man made or political storm
Liberty for all, must be our resounding call
America shall never be broken!
I still believe

We need not don a soldier's medals
Or wear his stripes
Or march in victorious parades
Simply bow down our heads
For our forgotten heroes...our dead

America, God has blessed thee
America, peace calls to thee!
I still believe

Love is Invincible

Love is invincible, love is invincible
Love is invincible, love is invincible

I've lived in sunshine, I've known the rain
I lived with joy and I have known pain
I've known love's  tenderness, sweet caress
I have been blessed, I have been blessed

I've known the peace of a lullaby, I've learned to sigh
I've known the peace of a lullaby and learned to fly
I've known the void of the last goodbye and learned to cry
I've known the void of the last goodbye and learned to die..

Still I believe,still I believe
Still I believe, still I believe
Where there is sorrow and when there is pain
Love, will sustain
Where there is sorrow and when there is pain
Love will remain

Love is the miracle, love is the miracle
Love is the miracle, love is the miracle
I still believe, I still believe
I still believe, I still believe

Love is invincible, love is invincible
Love is invincible, love is the miracle
Love is the miracle!

I Don't Claim to Understand , All That Makes A Man a Man

I don't claim to understand, all that makes a man a man
But loving you came easy
I don't claim to understand, all that makes a man a man
But loving you came easy
I had to love you from the first day I met you
I had to love you from the first day I met you

In the wisdom of your words, I heard my father
In your zest for life, I saw my brother
In your acceptance of my flaws, I recalled my mother
I had to love you, you made my dreams come true
I had to love you, you made my dreams come true

I had to love you, you brought sunshine to my life
I see it in our children's eyes
In their youthful confidence, I see your smile
I see your stance
In their youthful confidence, I see your love
I feel your strength


I had to love you, you made my dreams come true
I had to love you, you filled my home with pride
I had to love you, you filled my heart with pride

We had an ordinary life
A soldier, a soldier's bride
A soldier's life
And the years we've been  apart
With an ache in my heart
I'd let you go...I'd let you go
I'd let you go for love honor and pride

Other soldier's wives still know
The pain of letting go

They let them go for love, country and pride
This I know, this I know...
I've been a soldier's wife

I don't claim to understand
All that makes a man a man
But loving you came easy
I had to love you
From the day I first met you
I had to love you
You made my dreams come true
I had to love you...
You made my dreams come true