Saturday, March 9, 2013

I Am Home Again / I Am Found!

In the early mornings, with a cup of coffee in hand, I write. I suspect that loving life is my greatest asset. It has not always been so. Many years after losing a very wonderful and amazing son, Peter. He died saving his friend.  All our lives changed that afternoon... I was so much in the state of pure hate and confusion. I felt I had played by the rules, tried my best to raise thoughtful and caring children and become the best wife possible, then Peter dies so unexpectedly. He has been the rock and my foundation to my present and liberating faith.
 The time finally came when I realized that my family could not heal, unless I healed. They could not accept our horrible reality if  I did not, especially my husband. He had witnessed the worst in humanity and the most honorable acts of love and courage in his career as a soldier. But the sudden death of his son was more than he could bear. After I seemed to get stronger, he fell into the darkest time, seldom speaking to anyone for almost two agonizing years. He seemed devoid of any feeling. I struggled and endured. I felt  I  was holding us all back: the thought came to mind that if God was good enough for my dear parents, well, He was more than good enough for me! Then one amazing day I fell to the ground and pleaded to God to forgive me. And it was like other's have written, I felt bathed in warmth and sunlight. I felt forgiven and I was home again. I soon saw that all the times I was hating God, I was thinking more of Him than during my  years of complete adoration and acceptance of  my Catholic faith, the faith of my family and my youth.  I was again at home with the Christ child, home to walk in His light. My children are still on their own path, still denying God. I pray and wait. Greater still is my personal belief that God will touch them and also welcome them home.
Life of the unbeliever is fine for them. It is where they are comfortable. But I no longer reach for the easy way out. I know, now, that only through my own agony that I have been welcomed to His embracing and forgiving arms. They, for the most part , are lost in their own intellect, in their thirst for understanding, and they are content with their own conclusions. They choose their own way through the maze of their own thoughts. But thoughts change, growth and enlightenment eventually  takes over. I have great hope. They too will find themselves on their knees. We are too frail and they rely on our human frailty to give them strength.  They read and study and work their way through life and life's events. Besides, they are too busy for life's secrets, too busy to notice God's whispers, God's healing  touch.  Someday,  they too will walk with Him and experience the Omnipresence. For it is God's plan that all children come back to Him.  He is Patience beyond comprehension . I could not have been more in denial . My mind could not have been more rigid and closed.  I could not have been more lost, but now I am found!